Mothers Day

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Mothers day is coming. And you know what…. it will look like most days.
My kids will whine about not liking the purple yogurt but only wanting the red.
 
They will fight over who gets to hide next in hide and go seek.
 
I will probably clean up poop off the floor because lately August keeps considering the possibility that pooping in the potty is a good idea.
 
I won’t get a nap, because honestly who actually naps when their kids are awake, you hear everything and you just lay there trying to block it out.
 
I will also cuddle my youngest to sleep for her nap and feel her tickle my face because its her way of “putting you to sleep momma”.
 
I will laugh at one of Keane’s attempts at trying to negotiate some deal to get a toy from Target from some really insignificant accomplishment that he thinks requires rewarding.
 
I will soak in the kids taking a bath together and spitting water in each others faces and laughing hysterically at one another.
 
I will also probably cry over the fact my sweet boy Titus was ever held in my arms without breath. I might even have to take my panic attack medicine because PTSD can come back to haunt you at any time after you have suffered immense trauma.
 
I will be sad that not only Titus isn’t here but 4 other babies that never got to grow fully in my belly.
 
I will mourn with some of my most intimates that have recently lost and those who are so sad they don’t have one of their children next to them on mothers day.
 
I will mourn those whose mothers were never mother to them in the way they needed. And grieve that I have friends whose moms just passed away in the last few weeks and they ache to be with them on this day and everyday.
 
I will think of the grief that Keane’s birth mom feels every year on this day that a part of her heart is not with her.
 
I will strive to hold ever so delicately the joy filled marker smeared walls that scream children reside in this home and the ever deep ache of the kids that are not part of that equation. I will also allow myself to feel the insane tiredness that is being a mom and loving well.
 
I think more than anything I am thankful there is a day that makes me think of all of these things at once. It makes me allow life to not be separated into categories and boxes. But better yet, celebrate the messiness of life that carries incredible joys and deep earth shattering sadness in a profoundly significant balance.
 
I will hug my little humans tight and kiss them extra times because this day helps me remember all of the above.
 
I hope you get to do this too. There is no perfect celebratory holiday that does not hold multiple emotions. Its what we do with that mix of emotions that matters. So laugh, cry, celebrate, mourn, have anger, rejoice. Be glad you have the ability to feel it all, even if it feels out of control. I am glad to be alive and do mothers day!!!!
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