Don’t forget to breathe….


Many of you may be my friends on Facebook and have seen some of my updates about a dear friend who’s precious son passed away three weeks ago at the so young age of three.  He had down syndrome and so many medical challenges.  One of which was having a trach most of his life.  I tell you all this because back when I first wrote about telling CJ I really felt it was time for us to say yes to a special needs adoption, her son and her posts were what the Lord kept using to prick my heart towards special needs adoption.  And now sweet Mattie is with Jesus.  His life and existence is and was what stirred my heart to say yes to a very scary journey for CJ and I.  At his funeral they had pinwheels all over in the flower arrangements and placed up front by his coffin.  Because Mattie had a trach breathing was such an important part of making sure he was alive.  He needed help breathing his whole life…and yet I am reminded that in reality, this is very true of us as well.  Sometimes when life is overwhelming don’t you have to remind yourself to breathe?? I certainly do.  See we have this neighbor a few doors down that has a pinwheel in his front planter.  It showed up about a week ago…and this pinwheel and Mattie’s life have been God’s way of reminding me to remember to breathe.  I look at that pinwheel and I think about what it takes to make it spin.  A big deep breath and a releasing of that breath to watch it move.   It is so simple and yet there are days I need to see that  simple pinwheel to remind me of this incredibly important task of breathing in and out and that will help me move, move forward in faith.  Since our most recent loss and also saying we were pursing a special needs adoption I have had moments of feeling like I was holding my breath.  Holding my breath in pain because of loss, and holding my breath in fear of the unknown.  I feel like some days it takes such effort to take a deep breath and trust.  Trust that God has us in his hands and that we will be equipped for a child that is different than our current children.  Trust that in the midst of living in a crazy city and trying to plant a church that we will have the energy to give to a child with more needs than August and Keane.  Trust that we will be able to financially support such special needs.  Trust that we will have the support we need from people in our community to care in all forms for this child.  And this is the big one that I am struggling with so much right now….trust that we can even pay for this adoption.  We live fully support raised here in the most expensive city next to New York!  It is gripping for us some days trying to be at a place of financial stability, let alone pay for an adoption, and then be able to financially support needs we cannot anticipate!

The funny thing is I spend so much of my time on email and phone telling people to trust.  Trust that God owns all the cattle on a thousand hills and to fund one adoption is nothing to him.  He is the giver of life, even in helping pay for that life to have a home and family to live in and with!  And yet I am so afraid of not being able to fund this adoption of ours.  Two weeks ago we took our first step of faith to go do our intake interview for our home study.  It cost us 500.00.  We did it in faith…because we did not have the 500.00 to spare.  The next day I got a call from some of our best friends that a ridiculous family photo I took of them where their daughter was in mid air falling made it on a funny blog and the blog paid them 300.00 for it.  They then gave it to us toward our adoption.  What a complete and random way to watch provision happen!!  And then we got a check from a dear family that hosted a noon day party and donated all the proceeds to our adoption.  We stepped out in faith and in one day the Lord provided that money we were afraid to spend!  So now in order to take the next steps towards our home study we have to pay our whole fee of 2200.00.  California is just expensive.  If you have done a home study other places you know that is just really high.  And their follow up fees are super high as well once the baby is placed with us.  So we have paid 500.00 so far, but cannot move any farther until we have the full 2200.00 to pay.  So we are just asking for you to pray.  Would you pray about taking a deep breath with us and blowing on the pinwheel to watch it spin and see what amazing things the Lord has on this spinning journey we are on.  Would you pray about giving?  We plan on applying for grants to help with the main costs of the adoption, but you cannot apply for grants until you are home study ready.  So we are fully responsible for the home study portion.  Our go fund me has a goal of 11,000.oo because we hope that is more than enough once we apply for grants!

This is such a hard thing for me to ask for, and yet I am taking a deep breath and blowing out watching the pinwheel spin…trusting that the journey the spinning takes us on will be wild and fun and bring laughter and joy. I am trusting God will provide.  He loves and cares for this child he is calling us to more than I could ever in my finite abilities love.  For it was him that will have breathed life into existence and Him who will breathe life into us to have strength and ability to care for this sweet life he has created.

This morning one of my spiritual mommas wrote this on her blog: God gives us grace to breathe in the midst and equips us with His divine power for the need of the moment (2 Peter 1:3) Holding on to this with each breath!

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